Sometimes, it’s just plain easy to say that my death will suffice. Perhaps it will summon your appreciation. Maybe then I will come back so I see if people give a shit and care enough to show up at my funeral.
I love you all and God so much that I will not dare to put you and myself through that.
After going to confirmation class and youth group week after week, I’ve grown to understand that God tests us in every way. Whatever the situation, God knows as long as we trust in his guidance and we acknowledge that it is in his plan to help us, we will become the good people he created us to be. I have such a stronger appreciation for my life and others since that experience. I am blessed with another day. I’ve been so blind by my hopelessness when in fact there is ALWAYS a glimmer of hope in every dark place we are in.
Ever since Regine has gone, I learned that it’s best to appreciate everyone around you-this includes friends and foes. Even if these thoughts cloud my mind, trusting that I live with a purpose keeps me from allowing my thoughts take me away. It’s easy to give up when times get rough. We all have something and someone to live for. There was an absence and desolation as I stared down at her cold body lying in her casket. It was her physical presence but it was definitely not her. It was not the Regine I knew. She was not the stale corpse beneath my eyes. In my moment of reflection, it was as if I was staring down at myself if I were to allow that to be my fate. If only I could go back in time, equipped with this newly learned knowledge and experience, and reach out to her and let her know that as long as she did not give up, everything will work out in God’s plan. Now that it’s too late to provide her with this guidance, I have ”nothing” else to do but to live in the memory of her. If we were to not continue with our lives, we will put her and ourselves to shame and she would have left without a purpose. You have taught me so much about myself. God bless her soul and us all
Ultimately, I was thinking so selfishly. I have a family (broken, but present), friends, Bullet, and the people I will meet in the future to live for. I forgot about other people because I was so blinded by my burdens and troubles. Our destinies are intertwined with everyone and everything around us; in fact, if I were to throw my life away, I would be interrupting God’s plan and throwing away the gift that he gave to me, my life. I’ve suppressed my emotions and troubles so much that they’ve grown so much larger than how large it was initially. I should of taken responsibility and solved it at that moment. We can only do so much to improve our lives but as long as we are appreciative of where we are, then acting with persistence will lead us to where we need to be. Baby steps. I’ll take them until I get to my destination.